I expected Disney’s new “Snow White” live action film to be woke, but what I was ultimately shocked by was how much of a complete nonsensical mess it was.
Prepare yourself for spoilers of a film you’re never going to want to see.
My review will be similar to what I just watched, full of non-sequiturs. I’m truly baffled as to where to begin, other than by saying that this was awful.
Before I dive further in, I would like to apologize to not only the readers, but the editors of this article for my retelling of the plot that sounds like a child making up a story as they go by loudly adding “AND THEN” to add plot points.
What very clearly happened in making this film was that Disney, freaked out by the reaction to the set leaks of the Snow White’s seven woke companions—and freaked out by the reaction to lead actress Rachel Zegler’s calling the prince a stalker, sent this film back to the drawing board and ordered as much of the original story to be cut and pasted in as possible.
Watching the film, it seems as though the seven dwarves were never supposed to be in it. The seven woke companions pop up out of nowhere to fight soldiers with essentially just their bare hands. They also have two dance scenes with the dwarves where it looks like the dwarves were an afterthought in the middle and at the end.
Two of the woke companions, a tall black woman and a white little person fall in love, which isn’t explained. They just dance together in the first dance scene near the middle of the film and then they’re in love in the last scene of the film. They really don’t show up at any other part in the film other than when the little person shoots an arrow at the evil queen (Gal Gadot) saving Snow White from getting stabbed at the end of the film.
The film begins by explaining that Snow White’s name comes from her being born in a snow storm, not her skin color. They had to knock that part of the lore out as quickly as possible.
She lives in a paradise-like kingdom where everyone shares food and apparently doesn’t need currency. Skipping past the part where Snow White’s mother dies and the evil queen takes over, we meet Snow White’s love interest Jonathan (Andrew Burnap).
He steals food to help the poor in town, but gets caught and sentenced to death by freezing on the gates of the castle, but Snow White saves him, because of women’s empowerment. This is all within about the first 15 minutes of the film.
The story then kind of goes along with the original—mirror mirror; chased into the woods; cute songs by the dwarves; evil queen shows up with a poison apple. This is all interspersed with a nonsense fight scene with the seven woke companions and one dance scene. They just kind of pop up and disappear at random.
Contrary to what Zegler implied in her previous interviews, Snow White does get saved by Jonathan when he kisses her in the woods—in what seems like one of many scenes shoehorned in to try to appease normal audiences. But then Snow White returns to town to perform a TEMU version of Les Miserables, “Do You Hear the People Sing,” and confront the evil queen.
Without giving too much of this nonsense away, the evil queen orders Snow White to be executed in front of her townspeople choir by one of her royal guards, but as he’s about to stab her, Snow White says, “Your name is Paul.” And that’s that.
Snow White then names the other people and their job titles and that turns the evil queen’s entire army against her.
The queen then takes matters into her own hands and tries to stab Snow White, but is shot by the little person of the seven bizarre human baristas. Then, as I previously explained, they all dance again at what appears to be a wedding, but it isn’t—and it’s over.
I can understand if a film is woke and well done, but it becomes very clear in the first 15 minutes that this was initially woke, then chopped into a million pieces and reassembled with the original story to make what will be one of, if not Disney’s biggest box office flops ever.
It’s important to note that I was one of seven people in the 145-person theater to see this film on the day it was released (four of the people were wearing masks).
What was wrong with rerecording some songs and rereleasing the original? That would’ve gone over pretty well and actually might have turned a profit.
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